BiblioSquirrel

Full Pint

2011-12-21T15:48:00.001-06:00

This is the default size of juke joint beers in Mississippi.

Things I'll miss about Bored to Death

2011-12-21T15:41:00.001-06:00

Obama Can Go Fuck Himself

2011-12-10T15:13:00.001-06:00

I've liberated this entire Salon.com article.

Obama’s woman problem

The president shamefully uses his daughters to justify limiting the healthcare options of America's young women
BY REBECCA TRAISTER

AP/Carolyn Kaster/Salon
TOPICS:
Gender RolesBirth Control

When will Barack Obama learn how to talk thoughtfully about women, women’s health and women’s rights?

Apparently, not today.

On Wednesday, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius unexpectedly overruled the Food and Drug Administration’s recommendation that emergency contraception be sold on drugstore shelves and made available without a prescription to women under the age of 17. The move came as a surprise blow to healthcare and women’s rights activists, the kinds of people regularly counted as supporters of the Obama administration.

Today, Obama doubled down on his disregard for the concerns of these groups, claiming that while Sebelius made her decision without his counsel, he agreed with it. Obama pooh-poohed the findings of the FDA, which had concluded that Plan B pills posed no medical hazard and supported Sebelius’ official argument, citing a lack of confidence that “a 10-year-old or 11-year-old going to a drugstore would be able to, alongside bubble gum or batteries, be able to buy a medication that potentially if not used properly can have an adverse effect.” The logic expressed today by the president, and yesterday by Sebelius, is ludicrous: Medicines like Tylenol – which have been proven to have adverse effects in high doses – are available by the truckload on drugstore shelves, at prices far cheaper than the $30 to $50 it would cost a preteen to purchase just one dose of Plan B, let alone go wild with it.

But part of what was most disturbing about Obama’s statement was his reliance on language that reveals his paternalistic approach to women and their health.

“As the father of two daughters,” Obama told reporters, “I think it is important for us to make sure that we apply some common sense to various rules when it comes to over-the-counter medicine.”

First of all, the president was not talking about “various rules.” He was supporting a very specific rule, one that prevents young women from easily obtaining a drug that can help them control their reproductive lives, at an age when their economic, educational, familial and professional futures are perhaps most at risk of being derailed by an unplanned pregnancy. “As the father of two daughters,” Obama might want to reconsider his position on preventing young women from being able to exercise this form of responsibility over their own bodies and lives.

But as an American, I think it is important for my president not to turn to paternalistic claptrap and enfeebling references to the imagined ineptitude and irresponsibility of his daughters – and young women around the country – to justify a curtailment of access to medically safe contraceptives. The notion that in aggressively conscribing women’s abilities to protect themselves against unplanned pregnancy Obama is just laying down some Olde Fashioned Dad Sense diminishes an issue of gender equality, sexual health and medical access. Recasting this debate as an episode of “Father Knows Best” reaffirms hoary attitudes about young women and sex that had their repressive heyday in the era whence that program sprang.

A question of who should be allowed access to a safe form of contraception is at its root a question of how badly we want to, or believe that we can, police young women’s sexuality. When Obama is talking about his daughters, we know he’s not really basing his opinion on an anxiety that they might suffer the adverse effects of drinking a whole jug of Pepto-Bismol or swallowing 50 Advil, things that any 11-year-old who walks into a CVS with a wad of cash could theoretically do. When he says that he wants to “apply common sense” to questions of young women’s access to emergency contraception, he is telegraphing his discomfort with the idea of young women’s sexual agency, or more simply, with the idea of them having sex lives at all. This discomfort might be comprehensible from an emotional, parental point of view. But these are not familial discussions; this is a public-health policy debate, and at a time when “16 and Pregnant” airs on MTV, the fact that a daddy feels funny about his little girls becoming grown-ups has no place in a discussion of healthcare options for America’s young women. It is also nearly impossible to imagine a similar use of language or logic to justify a ban of condom sales.

Moreover, Obama’s invocation of his role as a father is an insult to the commitments and priorities of those on the other side of this issue. Are we to believe that those who support the increased availability of emergency contraception do not have daughters? That if they do, they care less about those daughters than Barack Obama does about his? And that if they do not, they cannot possibly know better than a father of daughters what is best for young women? Why should we be asked to believe that Obama’s paternity imbues him with more moral authority on the subject of women’s health and reproductive lives than the investments of doctors, researchers and advocates who – regardless of their parental status – have dedicated their lives to working on behalf of increased reproductive health options. This line of argument is no better than the Mama Grizzly argument developed by Sarah Palin during 2010′s midterm elections, in which she asserted that her band of super-conservative mothers were qualified for office because “moms just know when there’s something wrong.”

Barack Obama has long had a tin ear for language that has anything to do with women and even more specifically with women’s rights. While on the campaign trail for president in 2008, he waved off a female reporter who asked a question about the future of the auto industry, referring to her diminutively as “sweetie.” The same year, attempting to play both sides on the issue of reproductive freedom, he gave an interview with a religious magazine in which he asserted his support for states’ restrictions on late-term abortions as long as there was an exception for the health of the mother, but added that he didn’t “think that ‘mental distress’ qualifies as the health of the mother.” Attempting to recover from that line and reassert his pro-choice bona fides, Obama later clarified that of course he believed in a medical exemption for “serious clinical mental health diseases,” just not when seeking a late-term abortion is “a matter of feeling blue,” perpetuating a wildly irresponsible vision of the rare and difficult late-term abortion as a moody impulse-buy.

Today also isn’t the first time he’s used references to members of his family to make a larger offensive point about women. Back in 2009, when charges that his officially female-friendly administration included some boys’ club tendencies hit the front of the New York Times, Obama dismissed the claims as “bunk.” Reporter Mark Leibovich noted at the time that the president “often points out that he is surrounded by strong females at home,” an argument that not only mimics an old saw about how being henpecked by women is equivalent to respecting them, but reflects a dynamic as old as patriarchal power itself and sidesteps the question of how strong females are treated at work. In 2010, while appearing on “The View,” Obama made a creaky Take-My-Wife-Please joke about how he wanted to appear on “a show that Michelle actually watched” as opposed to the news shows she usually flips past. The joke being that his missus, the one he met when she mentored him at a high-powered law firm, just doesn’t have a head for news delivered by anyone other than Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

It should no longer come as a surprise that the president of the United States is, on perhaps an unconscious level, an old-school patriarch. What’s startling is the degree to which Obama seems not to have learned from any of his past gaffes, how no one seems to have told him – or told him in a way that he’s absorbed – that the best way to address a question of women’s health and rights is probably not by making it about his role as a father.

This might be an especially valuable chat to have with the president as he moves into 2012 and toward an election in which he is going to be relying on the support of people he has just managed to anger, offend and speak down to — women. The least he could do is learn to address them with respect.

Lonely shot

2011-12-10T14:47:00.001-06:00

These cheap camera apps for iPhone are pretty cool.

Yep. It's Saturday afternoon and I'm drinkin n shootin.

Alone and lonely is no way to welcome the holiday break. Oh sure, I can visit people or they can visit me. But at the end of the day I go to bed alone and wake up alone.

Lonely.

All the artificial cheer I managed to scrape together earlier this week has disappeared.

Poof.

Holidays

2011-12-09T19:55:00.001-06:00

Ahhhhhhhhh. Off contract for one whole month.

But being the dedicated employee that I am, I'll be going in on Monday to tidy up some dread paperwork.

A trip to New Orleans and Clarksdale, MS awaits, followed by a jaunt to good ol Clute to spend Xmas with the damn fam.

Then my handsome man comes for an extended visit to baby me while I heal from gall bladder extraction.

We're planning to stage a West Wing marathon. Never watched it. Can't wait.

And here's the fur baby, a curled bundle of warmth and perpetual cuteness:

Hepatic Adenomas

2011-11-30T14:42:00.001-06:00

Yeah I had to look it up, too.

It's what I have on my liver. Good news is its not cancer, theyre benign tumors, but if they don't recede or get larger, I might have to get them surgically removed.

Fucking birth control pills. Just another thing women do to their bodies to make things easier for the sexy sex. Goddammit.

Well, here's hoping they recede!

Oh, and the MRI reconfirmed gall stones. "A large burden of stones" in fact. I'm now taking bets on how many jelly beans are in the jar! Winner will receive a stuffed squirrel from my private collection.

Soylent Heat is People!

2011-11-29T02:49:00.001-06:00

UK Crematorium May Sell Heat From Body Furnaces To National Grid

Bringing new meaning to the term "body heat," a UK crematorium is hoping to make some extra cash by selling energy produced during the cremation...

Pissing Contest

2011-11-29T00:25:00.001-06:00

Oh boys. They will be boys. Why am I not surprised that the Japanese already have this? Toylets.

Pee-To-Play Video Game At Toilets In Bar

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/28/urine-powered-video-game-_n_1117240.html?ref=weird-news

Reading in the john is about to get some competition as a favorite bathroom activity now that there's a new way to play video games....

Sent from my iPhone

Stick It In

2011-11-28T23:08:00.001-06:00

Going in for an MRI tomorrow. Apparently I'm following in my mom's, sister's, and niece's footsteps of setting up a stone manufacturing facility in my gall bladder. But something else showed up on the gloop-laden ultrasound.

Four spots on my liver.

Dr says its "probably nothing" but that slight reassurance does nothing to slow down my internal anxiety response which automatically imagines the worst.

Just as I'm trying to move on in life, just as I'm starting to figure out what I want, just as I gingerly test out this whole "being alone" thing - there's a sucky medical road bump that has thrown me emotionally and mentally off course.

It doesn't help that I'm constantly hungry and eating like a pregnant horse and so have gained weight back that I worked months to lose.

And speaking of pregnant, anyone care to guess how many piss and/or blood tests I'll have to take between now and the gall bladder extraction date? I had three bun in the oven tests before the tonsillectomy a few years back. NO BREAD.

Maybe it'll make a difference that the only ejaculator I'm currently fucking was snipped long ago...?

We'll see. Yay. Needles. Stick it in.

Don't Touch Me

2011-11-28T22:30:00.001-06:00

I'll admit it. Sometimes I will touch a patron lightly on the arm. This physical gesture is meant to reassure them that they can take control over their search, but if they need more help I'm ... right over here. Just holler.

But when a patron touches me? HELL NO.

Middle-aged woman stroked my arm tonight after asking me how old I was. Apparently I don't look old enough to have been "doing this for 16 years" - "this" being showing patrons how to perform basic searches for quality resources.

I'm not here to indulge your personal interests, stories, or proclivities. Keep your goddamned hands to yourself.

BITCH IS BACK

2011-11-28T02:10:00.001-06:00

It's been a tumultuous year fraught with difficulty and excitement and cheese. Lots and lots of cheese.

I have not blogged for one year.

Well, check this shit out:

Found in front of an apt bldg in NYC, the squirrel represents industriousness. And perpetual cuteness. I have been living up to those two characteristics quite well in the last year:

Moved out of my house. Traveled over half of California and up to Oregon. Worked like a dog. Relabeled myself as a girlfriend. Started therapy. Got my ears pierced. Wore a lot of dresses. Led the establishment of an AAUP chapter at my school. Trained. Taught. Assessed. Reported. Bought a bike. Bought a tennis racket. Cried a lot. Met Jim Hightower, Dan Rather, Ramblin Jack Elliott, Mike Peters, Junior Brown, and Lorne Michaels. Saw Carolyn Wonderland, Martina McBride, Dolly Parton, and Hugh fucking Jackman on Broadway. Became even closer with my friends. Started keeping both tequila and gin on the premises and holy crap I know how to make the BEST margarita.

It's been challenging but good adjusting to living alone. But I'm lonely. We'll see what the future holds.

Wanted: Navel Gazers

2010-11-23T01:31:00.008-06:00

Yeah, well, I've been busy. Things are fucked up beyond belief at work, home, and well...everywhere. Not much time for navel gazing lately. Actually, that's not entirely true. I have been steadily peering into the place where I was snipped and tied. I just haven't been writing about it. Can't promise to change, but maybe I will.

Oh I wish the world would do
What I wanted it to
And I wish the wind would blow me
Blow me back to you

On the Road

2010-06-20T19:58:00.000-05:00

It's Father's Day once again and I find myself mulling over my past, thinking about how things might have turned out differently for me had I been able to form an adult relationship with him.

My Dad loved traveling. In fact, my mom recently gave me a whole box of Leon Hale books that he had collected, some of them signed by the author.

I'm traveling myself right now. In the City by the Bay. Stopped in at City Lights bookstore today after lunch. Sat in the poet's chair upstairs, a quiet breeze blowing through the open window mixed with the sound of people and street cars below and read "Howl" by Ginsberg, then bought a copy of Jack Kerouac's On the Road.

This one's for you, Daddy. I miss you and all that seemingly aimless wandering we used to do on Sunday afternoons.

World Cup Vuvuzela

2010-06-18T18:21:00.001-05:00

I only watched US v England so far, but that goddamn buzzing sound is still in my head. I feel sorry for the players.

But where annoyance meets photoshop, there's gonna be a collection of hi-larious pics making fun of the torture device named by Dr. Suess.

Most Annoying Instrument Ever: The Funniest Vuvuzela Pics

Awww HELL no! Internet Kill Switch

2010-06-18T04:07:00.001-05:00

No no no no no.

The bill would require that private companies--such as "broadband providers, search engines, or software firms," CNET explains--"immediately comply with any emergency measure or action" put in place by the Department of Homeland Security, or else face fines.

It would also see the creation of a new agency within the Department of Homeland Security, the National Center for Cybersecurity and Communications (NCCC). Any private company reliant on "the Internet, the telephone system, or any other component of the U.S. 'information infrastructure'" would be "subject to command" by the NCCC, and some would be required to engage in "information sharing" with the agency, says CBS4.

No.

Down the Hole

2010-06-16T02:12:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I had the distinct honor of trekking 3 miles down into The Grand Canyon.

Even more distinct was the 3 mile trek back up in a mouth breathing footrace with the moon and certain darkness.

It was a physically, emotionally, and spiritually humbling adventure that I look forward to repeating again. Next time I'm gonna take that bone-jarring Bright Angel trail by storm all the way down to the river, camp overnight, then begin the arduous journey back up the next day.

My boots are ready. In fact, they're still coated with pink canyon dust.

A few parting shots from the Bright Angel trail...

Obligatory squirrelshot:

Goin down:

Lookin up:

Mother Nature's stairmaster:

Headin out, racing the sunset:

1.5 mile resthouse aka "oh my gourd, we're only halfway out:"

Pink x 3: shirt, bottle, boots. The hiking pole is a DIY from Home Depot: finished broom handle and rubber stopper. Cost? $9. Worth? $999.

Weird News Roundup: Mayo, Jesus, & Kinkade

2010-06-15T18:12:00.001-05:00

Oh boy, what a great weird news day!

1. Condiment Vandal BUSTED Dumping Mayo In Book Drop

Other times it was syrup or ketchup. What the fuck? I bet she has an outstanding library fine. Or even better, she's a disgruntled ex-librarian. Old librarians never die, they just...check out. *rimshot*

2. Six-Story-Tall Jesus Statue Destroyed By Lightning

Awesome. I want video footage of this monstrosity burning to the ground. AKA "Touchdown Jesus," consider this proof positive that God loves soccer more than football.

3. Artist Thomas Kinkade Arrested For Alleged DUI

I could make several good jokes about this one, but I wouldn't want to take away from the beauty of that headline. The article kinda slams his "art" too, for an extra scoop of gravy on top. I like his Yosemite painting, but the rest is sentimental crap.

Oil Containment Solution Randomizer

2010-05-12T00:13:00.003-05:00

Stephen Colbert has the right idea. Shredded tires and golf balls to plug the hole? Sweet Jesus, no one knows what the fuck they're doing. Trained dolphins delivering shredded futons is the best hope we've got at this juncture.

The Sweet Smell of Hypocrisy

2010-05-11T23:46:00.004-05:00

The tale of George Rekers is hi-larious! Christian wingnut who helped found the Family Research Council gets caught "carrying luggage" for a gay rentboy in Europe. His excuse? He recently had back surgery and hired the young stud to carry HIS luggage.

Either way, "carrying luggage" is now the euphemism for hot fingering and stroking of the anal and genital area. Just thought you'd like to know in case it comes up in a Jeopardy category. THE PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD, ALEX.

Oh, and George just quit the board of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. Totally unexpected.

A Lesbian Miss America

2010-05-11T21:34:00.002-05:00

Miss America Caressa Cameron has this to share with her subjects on the topic of a lesbian Miss America:

"I don't think someone's ethnicity, someone's religious background, even their sexual orientation has anything to do with their ability to do the job, so I would say yes. It has no bearing on whether they can go to a children's hospital and visit kids."

Well, bravo to that! And then there's this:

"If you are a judge doing your job, you will choose someone regardless of her political views or sexual orientation. You would hope people's prejudice would not play a role in picking someone for a job as wonderful as Miss America."

Question: How would a judge know whether or not a contestant is a *gasp* lesbian? A woman who couldn't possible fulfill the boning fantasies of men everywhere while prancing about in her swimsuit? Although, it would be fairly humorous if she came out AFTER the fact. What a colossal joke on the patriarchy that would be.

How Fairy Tales Really End

2010-05-11T21:26:00.001-05:00

From my pal Rougehedd. No one wants to see Snow White Part II, do they? Disney would be hard pressed to sell reality.

Polyamorous Sex Blogger Gets Canned

2010-05-11T21:08:00.003-05:00

Soooo....some of you may have seen this tidbit in the news. Another blow against Internet privacy, another win for technological stupidity:

A St. Louis-area nonprofit has fired a 37-year-old office worker – after discovering that in her own time, the woman blogs about her polyamorous escapades.

The blogger – a single mother whose blog is called "The Beautiful Kind" – told St. Louis's The Riverfront Times she "really was Clark Kent" about keeping her office and her extracurricular life separate (and the extracurricular life was anonymous). But she made one fatal mistake: Using Twitter.

Never ever ever use your real name when creating accounts under an anonymous pen name. Anywhere. Ever. And it was her uptight female boss that canned her. "DISSSSSGUSTING! You're fired!" and that was it.

And damn, I would've really loved to read her blog. Don't bother searching for it. It's down. Time to turn it into a book?

Rio Frio

2010-05-11T20:39:00.002-05:00

Oh man. Went to Garner State Park over the weekend. Highly recommended for the hiking and floating down the Rio Frio. Not too fast moving (like the frightening pace of the Guadalupe) and wow that water is clear. Nice park facilities, too.

The Capacity to Relive

2010-05-11T20:12:00.006-05:00

Anniversaries, by definition, commemorate important events in our lives. They serve to celebrate not your ability to remember the past, but your capacity to relive it in the present.

Some people don't like to look back. I agree that it's not particularly healthy to "live" in the past, but taking the time to celebrate things that are important in your life keep you aware of the mile markers along the path that you've chosen. To see how far you've come.

Relationship firsts often carry the most significance in our lives. The first kiss that takes your breath away. The first anxious and exciting night spent together making love. Even the first meal together -- all of these things mark a new beginning. A new journey. An open door through which we step, setting fear aside and hoping for the best.

Today is such a day of celebration for me. Here's to continuing the journey.

He Left Me

2010-05-11T18:36:00.004-05:00

Called to make an appointment with my hairdresser. We've been together for four years. It seems he took off 2 months ago to "pursue another career." He's just...gone.

We exchanged phone numbers. We've even texted off and on. I was on the exclusive invitation list for his super awesomely naughty Halloween extravaganza he hosts at his house each year. I've told him things. He's told me things.

And yet...

He's gone. Just like that. No text. No call to suggest me to another hairdresser. I'm crushed.

I'm sure the men in the audience can't fully appreciate how traumatic such a seemingly insignificant event can be for a woman. Our hairdressers are like therapists for our hair. They know which cuts work best for our faces, bodies, and hair texture. They suggest products and techniques to make styling easier. And then there's all the personal advice that gets doled out while you're being blown out.

So long, dude. I'll miss you. And your tough-guy Boston Italian accent tempered with slow Texas twang.

I Need Some Natural Discipline

2010-05-05T23:37:00.003-05:00

I'm getting the fuck outta town. Gonna float down a cold fucking river. Listen to some goddamned birds chirping. Eschew air conditioning. Cook over a fire. Hike two handfuls of trails. Collect rocks.

I'm a little stressed and need some natural discipline.

Thank you Mother Nature, may I have another...

Wish me luck.

What IS tattooed on her va-jay-jay?

2010-05-05T23:25:00.003-05:00

And more importantly, do I really give a flying fuck?

Sheeshus this woman is just something else, isn't she? I hate to judge...but what the hell. I usually don't pick on the mistresses, preferring to save my vitriol for the dumbass dicks, but this gal. THIS gal. Woof! And she has recently piqued my interest by declaring that she would've NEVER EVER let Jesse James bone her if she had known that he and Sandra were adopting a BABY together. My gawd! That's just going one step too far. What magical powers does an adopted baby have to make asshole cheater swastika white pride tattoo loving fame whores think twice?

I do look forward to the media catching up to Ms. Tattooed Snatch in about 50 years. Man, that shit is gonna be hanging down like a tote bag.

I Want to Have Weirdness with Galifianakis

2010-04-28T00:47:00.003-05:00

Weirdnesslust is the only way to accurately describe the gravitational pull I feel from Zach Galifianakis. Yes, I can spell him without looking him up. Little Dancing Man with the Richard Marx video at the end? Oh ho ho. Yeah. I want to have a LOT of weirdness with the G man. Whatever that weirdness would entail, I want it.

*singing*

Little Dancing Man...spread your legs and start dancing again...

Deal With It?

2010-04-28T00:34:00.002-05:00

Oh, Cindy Adams. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Women who have been sexually harassed should just "move on" and "deal with it?" Because YOU were inappropriately touched and harassed and did nothing (a product of the times she lived through) doesn't mean that today's women should just shut up, take it, then become a bitch about it later in life.

Weighing the Option

2010-04-26T16:41:00.003-05:00

Who amongst us has not secretly wondered just how heavy our schlongs are? One Scottish gentleman apparently got curious enough to to find out whilst in browsing in the produce section of the local grocery:

At the time of the alleged incident, last September, the shopkeeper told the Sheriff that she was "really shocked" to approach the produce aisle to see two men hovering around the scales. She told the Sheriff that the men told her, "We are just having our privates weighed."

His defense?

"This is a totally false allegation. I can say that for a fact. I was there. I can remember standing on a stool, but I can't remember anything else".

Sheriff reports that the man was indeed drunk, but doesn't say what the dick weighed out at. Disappointing.

Twain Quotes

2010-04-23T14:25:00.002-05:00

Mark Twain died 100 years ago today. Let's look back on a few of his famous quips:

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

What are your favs?

Well, baby...what was I SUPPOSED to do?

2010-04-23T13:47:00.007-05:00

I won't link to any of the DOZENS of articles talking about the likes of Tiger Woods, Jesse James, or any other male celebrity asshole who is taking part in high-profile cheating to the embarrassment of their wives, families, friends, and fans.

My only comment is about men in general, and I've heard plenty of them say it to me personally, that if a hot girl wanders up and offers sex, they would take it. Their reasoning to their wives, girlfriends, etc. after the fact? "Well, baby...what was I SUPPOSED to do?" As if it's their duty to service any hot young thang that wants it. She was there, I was there, we were naked, what was I supposed to do? Problem is, fellas, your lack of rational decision making in order to get your rocks off will most likely come back to bite you in the ass. It's a man's singular ability to negate the consequences of their actions with regards to sex that amazes me. They can think through the most delicate of details, plan projects, do if/then statements and fucking flow charts until they pass out. But when it comes to sex? They turn into Beavis and Butthead, "huh huh huh...ok....boobies...huh huh huh." Note the recent report about those SEC guys making well into the six figures who turned out to be watching porn all day instead of watching the financial flock. Nero diddled while Rome burned?

Here's one article I will link to. It's about attachment style in relationships and how it determines which is worse for a partner who is cheated on: the sexual infidelity or the emotional infidelity.

Let me just be clear. No, I do not think monogamy is the natural state of human beings on this planet. Monogamy is a choice. Variations on this theme may occur in a marriage over time, but unless both partners are in the know, it's cheating. Plain and simple.

And P.S. to Jim Carrey - go FUCK yourself for saying that Elin was complicit in Tiger's cheating. That she knew. What the fuck is THAT shit about? Maybe Elin could have, you know, saved us all the trouble by (a) making Tiger wear a chastity belt or (b) not making a fuss or (c) WTF?

And P.P.S. to recent articles claiming that it's the partner's fault if their spouse cheats. Sure, it takes two to tango and all that shit, but when a spouse decides to cheat? That was ONE person's decision. Cheating is easy. Staying and working shit out is hard.

Emergency Emasculation

2010-04-23T13:36:00.004-05:00

Yeah, why is it that we as a nation are so against a woman or young girl doing anything about her pregnancy AFTER the fact? Take emergency contraception, for instance. Women have to show ID and ask for it from ~~Daddy~~ the pharmacist. We're all gung-ho on various methods of birth control that takes place PRIOR to sex, but afterwards We are gonna shame you, bitch.

Even though it’s the same thing as the birth control pill, there’s a social stigma attached to any kind of birth control that happens after a man has done his part, probably because said forms of birth control seem emasculating. I wish I could laugh, but the stigma runs deep. Laws like this, which make you take the walk of shame to get EC, are part of the reason. They stigmatize the idea of self-care for women. They make women feel guilty for wanting to avoid the hassle of unintended pregnancy. They subject women who use post-coital birth control to an extra level of shaming from mostly male authority.

It's like they don't trust us to make our own decisions about our bodies. But they are willing to use them for their own desires and wants whenever they choose.

Only Men with Small Dicks Need Apply

2010-04-23T13:27:00.002-05:00

And in other news,

Forget about getting a job as a police officer in Indonesia's Papua if you have had your penis enlarged. You won't get it, according to local media reports citing the Papua police chief.

An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto, quoted on local website Kompas.com.

"If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military."

The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes "hindrance during training," said police spokesman Zainuri Lubis in Jakarta, quoted by news portal Detik.com.

Hindrance during training? What the hell kind of training are they doing? I would consider them unfit just for the fact that they wrapped their dicks in leaves from the itchy-itchy tree and made it swell up. You cain't fix stupid.

The Rambling Ballad of the Tomato Soup

2010-04-14T23:37:00.012-05:00

Another hiatus. I've been losing myself to other things. Work things. Life things. Bullshit things. I know at least three people miss my writing here at Bibliosquirrel (*waves at y'all*), and quite frankly I miss my writing, too. It takes both patience and reflection, two things that I haven't given much time to lately. Feeling like you have nothing to say, at least for someone as vocal as I am, is most likely an indication of self-repression in favor of temporary distractions. Thinking is hard work. Being reactive to news items, making pithy one-liners on various social media sites, that's easy. And gives a lot of instant feedback. Those attagirls are like fucking dog treats. Balance an interesting article on my nose while wagging my tail? Good girl! Here's a "like this." But offering up lame ass excuses for my absence is not why I'm writing. I came to talk about something more serious.

So there has been a change in my life since last I wrote. My niece had a baby. A little girl. I see it as a chance for me to start over. A chance to maybe have one relationship with an actual family member that isn't fucked nine ways to Sunday. My mom thinks she's dying, my sister is becoming my mother and thinks my brother is partially faking his bipolar disorder, my brother can't be in mom's will because then his monetary assistance will get all fucked up, and so...I have high hopes for this little one. Maybe that's wrong to put so much expectation into someone so newly borned, but what the hell. Everyone else places bets on their own kids, and I'm only human. And yeah, so I have plans to be the fabulous Aunt she's always talking about. Can't wait to take her to fucking Sea World so I can cry when they play the Shamusic and then get ice cream together afterwards to make it all better. It's my chance, and I don't want to blow it. I'm the sanest relative she's got. Poor kid.

So with this newfound fervor of a new kid in the fam damly, I've been regressing a bit to the point where I constantly crave tomato soup. It's something my mom would make for me when I was feeling poorly. Each bowlful had at least 4 sliced Kraft singles broken into long strips and thrown into the hellfire of this piping hot condensed concoction to melt while intermingling with a healthy dose of black pepper. A pile of saltine crackers stood sentinal at the side. It all was delivered to me in my bed on a completely retarded tin Mickey Mouse tray. I'd dip the crackers into the soup, trying my damndest to capture one of the melty strips of cheese before it completely disintegrated.

I'll stop for a minute and let you appreciate that metaphor for life.

I've eaten probably four bowls of tomato soup in the past few weeks, giving in to the siren song of shaking the condensed glop into a pan and adding the 1/2 can of water to thin it out. Funny, my Memaw used to tell me stories about when she was a young woman during the Depression, ordering nothing but hot water in the cafes, adding enough ketchup to make tomato soup and "they always gave you free crackers" she'd gleefully add. I think about her as I stir that 1/2 can of water into the pot. In fact, my crazy Aunt (also bipolar!) sent me a message via Facebook in which she first identified herself as drunk ("I've had a little wine!") and then expounded on how much my Memaw enjoyed me and loved me and my spirit. She made everything fun. Brushing your teeth with powdered Pepsodent was at the top of the fucking list!! She always showed me great affection and just loved everything I ever brought her. Dead flowers, rocks, snails...you name it. I like to think that all the little joys I get in life from watching squirrels, looking at flowers, finding a penny face up, that she taught me the joy in these things. I was only 6 when she died from bone cancer. Times spent over at her house were the happiest times I remember from my childhood. I truly felt loved.

And that's what I want my new niece to feel. Truly loved. So that she doesn't have one day, not one fucking day in her whole life where she's not sure if anyone really loves her unconditionally. Parents always put conditions on you. Lovers, friends, spouses, colleagues...all conditions. But there is something about that generational gap - that once removed gap from immediate control or influence over someone's life that aunts, uncles, and grandparents are privileged to take part in that I definitely want to be a part of.

Wish me luck.

Black-Span

2010-03-29T17:16:00.004-05:00

Ohhohoho! One C-SPAN caller is furious over the number of black callers who call in to the C-SPAN. Wonkette has the story.

My favorite comments:

For the last time, people — don’t expect your damn call-in show to be whites-only when Everybody Loves Raymond is airing. Sheesh.

What does Caller propose? That only 3/5 of “black” callers be allowed to do the talkin’?

By that logic, the, “C”, in C-Span stands for Caucasian. Caucasian-Span.

I supposed what this guy wants is OK, next caller, Jamal on the n-line.

I like how he says that they should “call in on the right line.” You know, a line that is still of course equal, but perhaps in some way separate, know what I mean?

When it becomes Latino caller dominated, can we call it Spic Span?

And that's all for now.

Double Your Fun

2010-03-06T10:24:00.003-06:00

Yeah, I made the mistake of making a mistake resulting in double posts. It was worth saying twice.

Old-fashioned knee-jerk godbag pearlclutchery

2010-03-06T09:28:00.002-06:00

I haven't read Twisty Faster in some time. Moseyed over this a.m. and discovered this fabulous stringing together of words:

"Not unexpectedly, the Gizmodo comments section is crammed with sweaty, anguished wankers who cannot distinguish between pornography and sex, and who believe that an anti-porn viewpoint is nothing but old-fashioned knee-jerk godbag pearlclutchery."

What's she on about? Apple blamed the removal of App Store apps such as the boobie jiggler and whatnot on whiny feminists. As if the real reason wasn't money related AND as if Apple listens to anyone anyway. But of course, any time a woman objects to the objectification of her Own Kind, this objection is auto-tagged as "old-fashioned knee-jerk godbag pearlclutchery."

What's an atheist without pearls supposed to do?

Read the whole enchilada for full effect: More Adventures with the Antithesis of Enlightenment

More Adventures with the Antithesis of Enlightenment

2010-03-06T09:11:00.002-06:00

More Adventures with the Antithesis of Enlightenment

I haven't read Twisty Faster in some time. Moseyed over this a.m. and discovered this fabulous stringing together of words:

"Not unexpectedly, the Gizmodo comments section is crammed with sweaty, anguished wankers who cannot distinguish between pornography and sex, and who believe that an anti-porn viewpoint is nothing but old-fashioned knee-jerk godbag pearlclutchery."

What's she on about? Apple blamed the removal of App Store apps such as the boobie jiggler and whatnot on whiny feminists. As if the real reason wasn't money related AND as if Apple listens to anyone anyway. But of course, any time a woman objects to the objectification of her Own Kind, this objection is auto-tagged as "old-fashioned knee-jerk godbag pearlclutchery."

What's an atheist without pearls supposed to do?

And Speaking of LBJ's Balls...

2010-03-04T23:05:00.003-06:00

...here's something completely different. The music just kills.

4500 (estimated)

2010-03-04T01:23:00.004-06:00

My profile has been viewed 4500 times (estimated.) I always wonder if people like what they read. But then I quickly go back to not giving a shit.

I suppose that's the beauty of the anon blog. You really don't have to care what people think. As opposed to other social media, where approval seeking only comes in second to crap apps like Mafia Wars.

Ok, ok. So this post sucks. I'm testing my linkages and stretching my legs. I think I pulled something writing about Barbara Jordan's Big McLargehuge ovaries.

*owwwwww*

RIP Jon Swift

2010-03-04T00:36:00.002-06:00

A true loss to the blogging community. I remember when he first surfaced. Absolutely delightful. *wicked grin* RIP, old boy. Here's linkup to the "best of Jon Swift."

Death to Tillikum

2010-03-04T00:29:00.003-06:00

I won't get on my high horse about the killer killer whale, but I do find it rather amusing (and totally predictable) that the American Family Association (who apparently don't have enough to do) is calling for the death of Tillikum. Like, take that whale back through fucking TIME and kill him, in 1991!

I would like to know what method they prefer: stoning or a toaster in the tank?

Wonkette has the requisite story and hilarious commentary.

Conjunction Junction

2010-03-04T00:08:00.004-06:00

What's your function? I just connected this blog to something I use every single day that I'm not ashamed to admit I am wholeheartedly addicted to. I'm hoping the Twitter force-feed will bring this monster of a blog back to life. And maybe get more than a handful of male readers who have nothing better to do than think about my hot, hot ass.

Love you guys! *blows kisses*

BARBARA JORDAN'S OVARIES

2010-03-03T21:21:00.005-06:00

After attending a recent keynote presentation where Dr. Robert McElvaine pointed out that our hyper-masculine language (and how it's really about domination of the *ahem* "weaker sex") I'm now striking the phrase "balls as big as LBJ's" from my vocabulary in relation to well, pretty much anything. So now I'll implore the President to grow a pair of ovaries the size of Barbara Jordan's.

Sure, it doesn't roll off the tongue quite like "LBJ's balls" but women do have the upper hand when it comes to doing the one supremely powerful thing that men simply cannot do: give birth to life and nurture it with our own bodies. And because men cannot do this thing, they re-assume power and authority be telling women what they shall not do. "Hell hath no fury like a man devalued" is Dr. McElvaine's thesis. The creation of a patriarchal monotheistic religion was essentially the codification of a totalitarian "blame the women" campaign wrought by men who no longer carried the same authority in female-created agrarian societies as they once enjoyed during their hunter-gatherer days. Did you know that there are two very different stories about how women came to be in Genesis versus Genesis II? In one, man and woman were created at the same time. Equal parts that are strongest together. In the other, woman was born OF man, which first of all makes no sense, but this version of the story clearly puts women in a subordinate position to men, no matter how hard the theologians argue that I and II don't contradict one another. Just think...which is the story we're most likely to hear? Which is the story we are most likely to repeat? That woman was born OF man. And the creator of all life was a man. Again, a silly notion thought up by men in order to claim dominion over all things, in particular women.

But let's get back to the size of Barbara Jordan's ovaries. Here she is delivering the 1976 Democratic convention keynote address. Listen to that voice! Ovaries the size of Texas, I'm telling you.

Testing

2010-02-10T21:56:00.001-06:00

Testing comments

Pissed Off at Haloscan

2010-02-05T22:44:00.006-06:00

I have been using Haloscan commenting system, shitty as it is, since May 2005. There's some notices emailed out and flying around that they are shutting down in Feb due to "failing hardware."

Since when do sites just totally fucking shut down bc of failing hardware? This screams of a company move to get money out of users who just can't be bothered with trying to migrate and import and etc. "Upset? Check out this service! And pay a monthly fee!"

I'm pissed as hell and trying to figure out what to do with all of your comments. Not that many are worth saving. Except for the one's from Douglas of enthalpy's Dad, of course. Purely for the sake of riling Douglas.

Look at this shit. Worked hard to provide options? When one option is "pay for echo" and the other is "if you've developed an exporter, let us know" - that ain't no fucking option. GoddamnmotherfuckingpieceofSHIT.

OK. Look at this. The things I do for you people! This is EXACTLY why Douglas of enthalpy doesn't do comments. No baggage to worry about.

(Seriously, you know I love you guys. Especially all of you who so generously and vigorously posted comments about the relative hotness of my ass. I had no idea there were so MANY comments about it. While extremely sexist, even a feminist like me can enjoy a temporary physical morale boost from that crap. Thanks!)

3,350

2010-02-04T00:15:00.001-06:00

Last past was on queso flameado: post number 3,350. A semi-historic post I suppose and a true testament to how shittily I've been blogging of late.

I neither have nor offer any excuses.

Fried cheese

2010-01-30T12:42:00.001-06:00

Every culture has their own version of fried cheese, but I'm pretty sure the Mexicans are the only ones who actually light it on fire:

I've Never Watched the Show, I Swear

2010-01-22T01:19:00.003-06:00

Well, it's late at night, and I'm up dicking around online. I just found the Jersey Shore nickname generator. In case you live under a rock and haven't heard, Jersey Shore is that "reality" show about a bunch of dimwits that live, well, on the Jersey Shore. Close enough. Anyhoo...

I'm mildly horrified that my Jersey Shore nickname is "C-Scream."

Why horrified? Because it is scarily accurate. You know, if I lived on the Jersey Shore and was a dimwit with retarded friends.

Whatever Keeps 'Em Off the Streets

2010-01-12T12:33:00.007-06:00

Oh goody. My favorite topic to be paranoid about: robots.

Robot nerds have now created Roxxxy, the Sex Robot. Not only can you just straight up fuck her, but you can pretend to have real humanoid conversations with her, too. Key phrases from this article:

The level of sophistication demonstrated was not beyond that of a child's talking toy

and

"Sex only goes so far – then you want to be able to talk to the person,"

One kind of cancels the other out, don't you think?

Dudes, if you really want some human connection, buying a robot companion might not be the way to go. Besides acting as a crutch to your arrested development, it will also feed your inherent control issues.

But if you want to talk sports, then Roxxxy is your girl:

Since Hines is a soccer fan, it can already discuss Manchester United, he said.

GOAL GOAL GOAL!

But you know, whatever keeps the freaks off the streets. Even if it is creepy robots.

UPDATE: On a lighter less sarcastic note, and most definitely related, may I present Bent Objects by Terry Border.

And in other film news...

2010-01-08T09:10:00.002-06:00

Spider-Man 4 has been put on hold. Thank Thor.

UPDATE: Both Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi have quit Spiderman. Yesssssssssss.

OK, fine. I did not like Avatar.

2010-01-08T08:55:00.006-06:00

Sigourney Weaver is so full of slavering adoration for this total waste of money. James Cameron respects the audience's intelligence? He tells beautiful, complicated stories? Well, she got the first part right. Cameron was right on board with audience intelligence level zero.

I found the visuals very colorful, but the story was more predictable than me needing to take a shit after a big meal. The acting put me to sleep faster than a bottle of red wine followed by a hot round of orgasms.

If this movie wins James Cameron a Directors Guild award and by extension an Oscar? I think a great disservice will have been done to the art of film. Whizzbang technology should never get in the way of solid story and decent acting. Please don't reward this fucker for what is simply a technological masturbatory fantasy.

Whew. Now I feel better.

Who Won?

2010-01-08T08:15:00.002-06:00

Today in History: 1964 - President Lyndon B. Johnson declared a war on poverty.

In Character

2010-01-08T07:40:00.003-06:00

On the ex-Bush Administration lawyer accused of trying to kill his wife by beating her with a flashlight and strangling her because she wanted a divorce:

Fred Fielding, Farren's former boss in the White House counsel office, said, "This report is sad and stunning, and completely out of character to anyone who knows or has worked with Mike."

And yet sadly and completely in character for the people who lived with him. His wife suffered a broken nose, jaw, and sustained other serious injuries. There was a baby and 7 year old little girl also in the house during the attempted murder.

Lawyer boy also threatened to slit his wrists, but apparently loved himself too much to cause anything more than abrasions. Needless to say, he's on suicide watch in jail. I say give him his belt back and save the state some money.

But being a Bush lawyer, he'd probably find a way to fuck it up.

Cold

2010-01-07T17:54:00.001-06:00

Forecast is for 10 degree wind chill tonight. Fuck.

Today's Bad Science Report

2010-01-07T17:35:00.003-06:00

Hey, look boys! A great article you can use to try and convince your gals to have teh intercourse. Somehow "you'll live longer" is just not a viable reason. Sure, all kinds of sex has some benefits, but to the scientist who says vaginal/penile intercourse is the ONLY way to fuck your way to good health? Well, that's just Bad Science. Never mind the fact that "good" sex with someone you "trust" and "love" and have a caring "relationship" with might be more of a factor in extending our longevity. So go ahead. Fuck all you want, it doesn't do a goddamn thing if it doesn't mean anything.

Juvenile Slide

2010-01-07T12:31:00.007-06:00

OK, so I've been back at wor... wor... that place I didn't see for 3 weeks, and the later in the week it gets and the lower the temperature goes, the more juvenile I'm becoming. This is what's currently giving me fits over lunch:

Click to enlargen, or just go look at the whole damn thing at Cracked. God knows what I'll be having fits over tomorrow, Friday, with 20 degree weather.

Karma

2010-01-07T12:13:00.003-06:00

If you're gonna be dumb enough to buy into the whole "pole dancing as fitness" craze, I say you get what you deserve. Work it, idiot.

It's Baaaaaack

2010-01-07T12:08:00.001-06:00

I sorta kinda want one. Again. But not really.

Sexier and Sexier

2010-01-05T13:33:00.002-06:00

Yes, agreed. Meryl Streep is da bomb. But pleeeeeeease can we just quit defining women (in their 60s or otherwise) by how "sexy" they are? Seriously. Is that all there is to strive for? How much "sexier" I'll be by the time I reach 60? Fuck that shit. I'm on the Maxine track.

I Wasn't Aware This Was Such a Problem

2010-01-05T13:28:00.003-06:00

Transparent toaster sees end of burnt toast. Uh huh. Which means you still have to fucking WATCH THE TOAST AS IT COOKS. Seriously, people. It's just toast. Put more time and energy into making me a battery powered vibrator that is absolutely noiseless and doesn't get a short in the cable, then we can talk.

Auuuuugh! My Mind's Eye!!

2010-01-05T13:23:00.002-06:00

Was it not enough to learn that Karl Rove would be getting a 2nd divorce, indicating that at least TWO females have mated with him? Now this: Rush Limbaugh has a 33 year old girlfriend. We ladies really do forgive anything in our men, don't we? Even if they're RUSH LIMBAUGH.

Chunkey Spidey

2010-01-03T01:56:00.004-06:00

Ohhhh hahaha every time I see this pic I say to myself, "Self, you would soooo take yourself to see THAT Spiderman movie."

And on a related note, Jonah Goldberg is still a Cheeto-dust-huffing retard. If Avatar had been about the blue people accepting Jesus Christ into their hearts it would not have been more controversial than the environmental statement the film so ham-handedly delivers. It simply would have been even more historically accurate in showing how the twin forces of death and religion provided win-wins for a plethora of conquerors throughout time.

Fun with Cracked

2010-01-03T01:32:00.002-06:00

Oh my yes Yes YES!!! I love Cracked Magazine's team of writers. Helluva lot funnier than The Onion and Wonkette combined. (Sorry, guys. But not really.)

Check out the fabulous last sentence from this thing they call "6 Insanely Awesome Things The 1900s Thought We'd Have by Now"

Our ancestors would be having seizures from all the disappointment; their moustaches curling with rage, barely able to stab a horse through the tears in their eyes.

Now that's quality writing.

Slimming & Accentuating

2010-01-03T01:11:00.002-06:00

Been looking at pictures of Claudia Cardinale (La Dolce Vita, Once Upon a Time in the West) for a uhhh... *ahem* ...special project and came across this:

That is possibly the most slimming yet accentuating swimsuit design ever. DAMN.

2010: A New Year

2010-01-03T00:22:00.003-06:00

Well, happy new year. Again. It tends to come around about this time.

I haven't quite figured out what I want to blog about anymore. I've found a new hobby in cooking, but I sure as shit don't want to turn this into Yet Another Boring Ass Food Blog. And I don't wish to abandon the blog entirely. But some regularity might be nice. I do miss my own thought process in composing actual sentences and paragraphs. I'll continue mulling and pondering on it. Meanwhile, I'm not even sure anyone is still out there.

* hello hello hello *

Gimme a sign, y'all. Much obliged.

What in the hell....?

2010-01-03T00:07:00.003-06:00

What in the hell was Chef Giada thinking when she agreed to THIS photo shoot?

She's either channeling a scene from Stephen King's Carrie or has a helluva lotta spaghetti that needs boiling.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

2009-12-31T05:30:00.002-06:00

Darby Rove has served her sentence in hell and is now free to go. Karl Rove getting his SECOND divorce. Question is...will there be a 3rd Mrs. Karl Rove? Shudder the thought. The reminder that he's fucked at least two women already will put me out of sorts for a few days.

Should I even bother with the whole "sanctity of marriage" bullshit line that he so perfected with the Xtian voters? Nah. I'll save it.

Hello again

2009-12-19T02:57:00.001-06:00

As I sit here in this quiet, darkened Brooklyn apartment, I mull over the experiences the city has given me this time around:

On 3 different occasions I sat next to passengers on the subway who were reading texts written in Cyrillic.

An older gentleman at a Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit of her abstract works at the Whitney Museum of Art asked the tour guide if Georgia O'Keeffe could "you know, draw a face so that it looks like a face."

An older woman on the same tour pointed to O'Keeffe's first blue painting which featured one of those classic fiddlehead curls and asked "Did O'Keeffe have kids? Because that looks like a sonogram." The tour guide gleefully pointed out that the painting was created in 1916, well before the invention of such medical equipment.

Coney Island is delightfully cornball. And the Nathan's hot dog restaurant down there also serves up frog legs, lobster rolls, and most surprisingly...Kenny Rogers Roasters.

Seeing the Mermaid Ave signpost was pretty fucking awesome. Woody Guthrie lives on.

I still want to know the story of each person who rides the subway.

People's winter headgear is endlessly entertaining and fascinating.

Peeing at Saks Fifth Avenue after seeing the breathtakingly beautiful Rockefeller tree for the first time was pretty damn cool.

Where else can you buy a hot dog AND fresh roasted chestnuts from a street vendor?

Best delivery pizza EVER. I don't know why other delivery joints can't manage to get their shit together and cook up something at least half this good.

Film Forum in the Village is where I want to go when I die. Classic film series heaven.

How they manage to fit an entire grocery store in the space of a 7-11, I'll never know.

And tonight? I licked my fingers over Popeye's Cajun style chicken fried by people of Caribbean descent in the heart of Brooklyn.

Ok, Fine. I'll Post Something On This.

2009-12-09T23:29:00.003-06:00

Saw this piece of shit article tonight and HAD to respond after these two forehead-slapping paragraphs:

On an ancillary note, Tiger should have company in the shame game. Every one of these women is part of the problem. If they knew he was Tiger Woods (and is there any reason to believe they didn't?) then they knew he was married. They were all too willing to spend a night sleeping with a married man to satisfy whatever demons torment them--a night with someone famous, improved self-esteem, an expensive pelt on the wall.

Tiger's not off the hook, by no means, and he'll pay dearly for his indiscretions the rest of his life. He succumbed to temptation in the biggest way possible. He may have even been chasing temptation. But temptation wasn't exactly running in the opposite direction trying to get away. I can't imagine the life of temptation Tiger was living--the access and the women throwing themselves at him. He failed. Badly. How would you have done?

Wow. I can't imagine how in this day and age men are still using the "evil temptress" excuse in their desire for absolution of their cheating behavior.

Does the author, one dim-witted Drexel Kleber, really ascribe to the "men are only as faithful as their options" mindset? Are men so powerless that if they did trade places with Tiger Woods they wouldn't be able to say "no?" Who exactly IS the weaker sex in this scenario?

Look, having sex with women outside his marriage is not the issue here. It's the lying, the cheating, and the inability to take care of his intimate (not sexual) relationship with his wife. He's not a man in the true sense of the word because he let his family down. And by extension, he has let down any number of employees who live off his now watered-down brand. How many people have been negatively affected by this scandal? A lot.

Tiger Woods has no one to blame but Tiger Woods.

Itchy & Scratchy

2009-12-09T02:51:00.001-06:00

Uuuuuuuugh! I have this spot on my back - no sign of bumps or exterior irritation - that is just itching me to death!

Anybody got an old fencepost they ain't usin so's I can scrape the epidermis offen that area?

*clawing madly at her back like a raccoon in heat*

Pearl Brewery

2009-12-02T00:23:00.001-06:00

Was down at the new Riverwalk extension and got this great shot of a beautiful sunset over the Pearl Brewery.

The extension is a lovely walk! Here are the lighted fish art hanging underneath the freeway.

Butt Cake

2009-11-29T23:41:00.000-06:00

I helped make something today that I thought I'd never make:

A diaper cake.

I am responsible for bringing it as a "practical decoration" for my niece's baby shower. The practical part being that my niece will actually use all the diapers (92) during the first month or so after the baby's arrival.

It was fun and definitely came out much nicer than I thought it would, but I must say....

Whoever thought this up had waaaaay too much time on their hands.

Boudreaux's Butt Paste 4EVAH.

Magnanimous

2009-11-18T23:52:00.003-06:00

The Senate has made it possible for me to take part in the federal healthcare plan AND still get abortions every weekend! Well, sort of.

Thanks for next-to-nothing, assholes.

In kind, I want boner pill prescriptions to cum out of the pockets (full price!) of the limp and masculine creatures of our species.

On a sidenote: as a culture, we profess to hate death, but we absolutely fucking LIVE to take part in the solemn piety that comes with. I'm looking at you, Aggies. It's been 10 years since the fucking bonfire fall down go boom. MOVE ON.

Last Words

2009-11-11T14:38:00.002-06:00

It's finally out. George Carlin's autobiography, which he began cobbling together with the help of his friend and author Tony Hendra back in 1993.

Billions

2009-11-11T11:52:00.000-06:00

Pharma Deal with White House on Course to Net Industry ~~Millions~~, excuse me BILLIONS

Goodbye and good luck.

Meanwhile, the recent healthcare plan passed by the House doesn't provide abortion coverage while my birth control pills cost $55 a month.

Anyone else see anything wrong with this picture?

Still An Idiot

2009-11-11T11:45:00.003-06:00

This just in, Jonah Goldberg is still an idiot:

What in the fuck is he talking about even? Wonketteers attempt to translate with the usual hilarious results.

Twit

2009-11-11T11:33:00.006-06:00

And now I'm debating the correct use of PowerPoint and the inherent and accepted misogyny of Mad Men over at the Twitter.

I do so love the instant interaction. :P

Just know that if I'm not posting regularly here, it's only because I am a lazyass who doesn't want to rub two brain cells together long enough to twat out more than 140 characters. I'm all about the one-liners, dontcha know. So yeah, check the Twit Feed, aka Squirrel Nuggets, over at the right to see what in the hell I'm ranting about at any given moment.

I'm recently begun following Stephen Fry and Simon Pegg. Bloody delightful.

I also set up a search column to capture any tweet that mentions the word "squirrel" and have found a fuckin GOLDMINE of tidbits.

Hey, it keeps the gin bottle out of my hand.

Exercise

2009-11-11T11:26:00.001-06:00

Grrrreeeeeat. No wonder my brain is so fucking tired when I wake up. Dreams as exercise? Say it ain't so!

Revenge

2009-11-11T11:15:00.002-06:00

On the same day the nation mourned the death of soldiers at Ft. Hood, the nation celebrated the death of another man:

JARRATT, Va. — John Allen Muhammad, the mastermind behind the sniper attacks that left 10 dead, was executed Tuesday as relatives of the victims watched, reliving the killing spree that terrorized the Washington, D.C., area for three weeks in October 2002.

State-sponsored murder. I sure hope those families can find peace now. Although they seemed a bit disappointed that he went so peacefully.

Amnesty International puts the U.S. in fourth place behind China, Iran, and Saudi Arabia by number of state-sponsored executions per year. I'm sure if we just worked a little harder at killing America could be #1.

Deliberately Misleading

2009-11-11T10:26:00.005-06:00

Robert Enke, Germany Goalkeeper, Left Suicide Note

In a suicide note, Enke apologized to his family and the staff treating him for deliberately misleading them into believing he was better, "which was necessary in order to carry out the suicide plans"

He was struck by a train.

Like Anna Karenina.

Of course, his teammates and fans are shocked, because they didn't know about his depression. Enke was worried about losing his sport and losing his adopted daughter if his condition was made public. Depression is one of the least understood and most pooh-poohed disease. "Don't be so depressed!" people say, as if you can just switch it off.

Sorry, but "Don't Worry, Be Happy" is not a cure. It shoves people like Enke underground until they feel like they have no other option. You get in a spiral of despair and you try to fight it, but sometimes you just go down down down.

Robert Enke was a talented player who had a good chance of being Germany's top goalkeeper at next year's World Cup in South Africa who just happened to also suffer from depression.

RIP.

Morning Off

2009-10-18T21:46:00.003-05:00

So what do I usually do with a nice morning off like the one I got coming to me tomorrow? Well, my lazy ass usually sleeps in until around 10am, then I drag said ass to the living room to watch movies and eat popcorn until I finally am FORCED by the TYRANNY of TIME to shower and make the trek in to work.

But tomorrow I'm getting up semi-early for a quick game of Old Person by going to the grocery store when no one else is there. AND I'll pick up my prescriptions on the way.

Fuck.

Closer to You

2009-10-16T08:09:00.002-05:00

Brandi Carlile, y'all. I think I just found my new favorite female singer/songwriter.

Nightly News Roundup

2009-10-13T23:30:00.007-05:00

Where to begin? I'll just go in the order I found 'em in.

Wexler to Resign from Congress - NOOOOOOOO! /Stephen Colbert

I mean, the dude admitted on The Colbert Report to liking prostitutes and cocaine because they were fun things to do. Yeah, you're right. Guy's too cool to be in Congress. Good luck, man.

Candy Bar or Healthful Snack? Free Choice Not as Free as We Think - Yes, we know this. "... marketers...can benefit from being aware of these effects." And now THEY know it, too. TWINKIES!!! /Woody Harrelson in Zombieland

Comfort Food: Chocolate, Water Reduce Pain Response to Heat - Eating and drinking numbs pain? You don't say. Pass the popcorn and a glass of chocolate milk.

Teenage Boys Take Less Responsibility for Reducing the Spread of Chlamydia - Really? Did we need a study for this? Take out the word "teenage" and the phrase "for reducing the spread of chlamydia." There. Perfect. Now, what the fuck are we gonna DO about it?

People Who Work After Retirement Enjoy Better Health - Fuck that shit. I don't want to live forever. I'd quit my job today if I could just squeeze another good 20 years out, with unlimited resources and the ability to do whatever the hell I wanted to do at any given moment.

Dead Calm: the movie

2009-10-13T14:45:00.002-05:00

First of all, I knew there was a reason I've never liked Billy Zane. Secondly, Sam Neill sounds awfully effeminate with his natural Australian accent.

7 Sex Tips from Cosmo

2009-10-13T14:14:00.004-05:00

BWWAAAAHAHAHAA! I gotta try these. *evil grin*

This seems to derive from the retarded sex myth that, physiologically, a sneeze is somehow "1/7th of an orgasm," which you may have heard in high school or from the brain trust at Yahoo! Answers. You may be tempted to ask how in the shit you would quantify 1/7th of an orgasm, but Yahoo! isn't giving up the goods on that one.

Brain trust. Thanks for the much needed laugh, Cracked.

Best Baby Halloween Costume Ever

2009-10-13T14:06:00.002-05:00

You think that's bad? You should see the one Martha Stewart dreamed up. Pass the cranberry sauce! See them all here.

Britney Spears has sent sales of squirrel meat soaring

2009-10-13T13:25:00.003-05:00

Goooooooood gawd almighty. Sometimes you just don't believe this shit until you read it. h/t to Douglas of enthalpy fame.

Find the Yes

2009-10-13T13:05:00.001-05:00

Holy fuck! This actually makes sense.

I found myself reading Michael Shurtleff's Audition (I think it was recommended to me by the incomparable Colleen Wainwright after I asked her for a list of good books about acting.)

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the problem of drift, and Shurtleff made a point that has many implications for happiness:

Negatives are always written in a play and it is the actor's job to provide the positive.

This means that the no is strongly and literally written:
No, I don't want that
I want to leave
Leave me alone
I won't do what you want

It is the actor's job to see through the negative to the other side...to find the yes that is also in the scene:
What do you want?
Why are you still here, if you say you want to leave?
If you want to be left alone, why are you still having this relationship?
What do you want to do?

...

Actors must learn to remember an important thing: you [the character] always have a choice. If you really want to leave, then why are you still here having this scene with this other person? Answer that question and you [the actor] will be able to do the scene.

This strikes me as a good happiness-project approach. When you feel trapped in a negative, ask yourself the positive question, and maybe that will shed light on how to change it or at least change your mind. The reason for "no" is easy to identify and express; the answer to "yes" can be elusive and upsetting. Why aren't you trying to leave a job you hate? Why are you staying in a relationship that's making you crazy? If you don't want to do this, what do you want to do? In my own case, I can think of plenty of examples where I saw the "no" very clearly, and even enjoyed proclaiming the "no," but the "yes" proved much more of a struggle to discern.

Finished

2009-10-12T19:44:00.003-05:00

Finished The Road last night. Wow. Like a dash of cold water on your brain.

Am reading some lit crit on McCarthy and came across this description of the character Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men: the devil's croupier.

Heh.

Death to Smoochy

2009-10-12T12:26:00.005-05:00

I like to imagine that this is the real Robin Williams.

Commonsense

2009-10-12T12:17:00.003-05:00

Seeing as how most humans these days don't have any fucking commonsense, well, we might as well try to hammer some fucking commonsense into some goddamn computers.

Science

2009-10-12T12:14:00.001-05:00

Science is at it again! This time looking at where religious belief and disbelief meet. Fascinating.

Dejected

2009-10-12T12:00:00.002-05:00

Well well well. Roman Polanski feels depressed and looks dejected. In jail. For raping a 13 year old. Perhaps he can just go ahead and fucking kill himself and save us all the trouble of a trial and more sad sack news articles.

And...Moving On

2009-10-11T18:09:00.006-05:00

I started, then stopped reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road. I've picked it back up again and much to my amazement, am 2/3 of the way through. A total fucking miracle seeing as how the last book I read was...uh...let's see now....

Yeah, you get the point.

Anyhoo, I loved McCarthy's No Country for Old Men so much that I picked up a copy of The Road in a fit of brain fever at the local Barnes and Nobles. It's post-apocalyptic cum dystopic fiction, which I love. McCarthy's style is simple, almost poetic. It speaks to me. More to the point? I think he's the greatest living writer.

A movie based on The Road starring Viggo Mortensen is coming out this Fall. Just discovered that Javier Aguirresarobe (The Sea Inside) is the cinematographer and John Hillcoat (The Proposition) is the director. Dear sweet lord, at least it will LOOK good. But I doubt very seriously if these guys can pull off what the Coen Brothers did with No Country. And yet, I look forward to seeing it.

Weekend Lesson

2009-10-11T11:07:00.002-05:00

Never rely on other people to remember or recognize that you might require their support and comfort. They will either disappoint you or just generally bore the shit out of you with their own problems.

All relationships are projection. We are merely players in each others movies.

More Distractions, Please

2009-10-10T17:46:00.003-05:00

I wish I could put my fucking brain in a fucking jar for the fucking weekend. Instead, I stuff myself with spaghetti until I can barely breathe (science sez you can't think about shit while you're eating - sort of like a shark closing his eyes when he bites something?) and then I force myself to get up and go lumber around at some event where I can distract myself from other shit.

I'm staying out late and getting drunk. I'll find that fucking off switch yet.

The Sea

2009-10-10T17:02:00.001-05:00

3,300

2009-10-08T17:33:00.003-05:00

Holy crap! That last post about cocks at Hobby Lobby was the 3,300th post for me on this here blog right here. I'm a wordy sonuvabitch, ain't I?

So anyway, I'm addicted to Twitter. Specifically, the little search column I have set up to find tweets which mention the word "library." I love re-tweeting (RT) these little nuggets of life from complete strangers, of course adding my own brand of aggressive, off-color commentary. I find it to be a great stress reliever, although from time to time (like today) I do feel a little bit mean and slightly sorry about it.

So over there on the right-hand side, under the appropriately named section "Squirrel Nuggets," I've re-installed the Twitter thingamabob. For those who hate Twitter? Sorry. I willingly give myself over to the siren song of one-liners and 140 character long pearls of wise-assery. And until there's a 12 step group that serves gin and beef jerky, I'm sticking with this noxious little new-found hobby.